After midterm critique, I decided the products I was advancing were not mean enough (actually the critics felt so, and I agree). I went back the drawing board and thought about not just types of behaviors, but the actual actions that I think contribute to the decline of courteous society. Here’s what I came up with:
1) The LED pin display (the notion that you are better than others because you (or really your parents) have more money than they do)
It used to be that people could buy expensive handbags, and that would serve as a sign of wealth, but then realistic knockoffs came along. To combat this, and preserve the appropriate social strata, I propose wearing your wealth on your sleeve. A small LED pin is worn on the clothing, displaying the designer and cost of the garment so that others will always know the cost of your clothing. It is programmable only by the store where the items are bought, and thus prevents fakes. If the idea of wearing the cost of your clothing is too tacky, than the pin may be programmed by a bank or employer to display income and tax bracket, amount in your trust fund, or your parents’ income.
2) The Mental Masturbation Helmet (let’s face it…coworkers suck)
This baby prevents headaches at work caused by the inane chatter and moronic behavior of one’s coworkers. A demi-helmet, worn on the back half of the head so as not to hinder vision (customizable in yellow, white and rose gold, sterling silver, platinum, and modern stainless steel), with massaging rollers to gently massage temples and alleviate pressure. Rollers may be adjusted for speed, direction, and pressure. The helmet also has a bluetooth function so that it can be controlled via remote, and start automatically when certain members of the office call your phone.
3) Baby Rental Service (hottest trend in hollywood right now is the multi-culti baby, and it’s the perfect way to update the classic lapdog accessory)
The in accessory at the moment is a multi-culti adopted baby (how else are others supposed to know you are socially conscious???) a la Angelina Jolie. Each baby is certified foreign, and comes with a fact book about the baby’s native origin that you can quote for extra authenticity. Babies come pre-styled with trendy hairstyles, unique names, baby Burberry designer clothes, the Gucci baby carrier, and the award winning MacLaren stroller. All of the babies come with a special hormone band that is environmentally safe, and prevents babies from crying or defecating for up to 9 hours….after all baby poop definitely doesn’t go with your outfit.
4) Guiltometer (children are annoying, don’t feel bad for wanting to ignore them)
Time is money, which is exactly why it’s important for parents to know how much their time costs when it comes to their children. Instead of feeling guilty, now parents can just plug into the guiltometer the amount of time spent away from children and what they were doing, and the device automatically kicks out a monetary value. Money can then be given to children, or a present of equal value (recommended by the device) may be bought. The guiltometer amasses guilt over time in a database that parents can look at and then buy large gifts to decrease.
5) Certificate of dues paid (because who actually has time to climb the corporate ladder, and more importantly why shouldn’t you start at the top?)
Just order this certificate of dues paid and let future employers know you’re too good for entry level jobs. These beautiful designed and officially sealed documents are customizable per industry, come with important sounding titles, and are available for package deals.
Tarynne Goldenberg's Thesis Blog 